(Now banned in three classrooms, one greenhouse, and under investigation by Professor Zoltar’s legal team.)

SPELLS

Tutela Tardigrada (Too-tay-lah Tar-dih-GRAH-dah)

Effect: Creates a shimmering, tardigrade-powered force field that can withstand cosmic doom rays, death storms, and light judgment from Professor Zoltar.

Required Actions:

1. Climb the highest point available (dramatic elevation is key).

2. Point wand skyward like a wizard reenacting the Lion King sunrise scene.

3. Chant the spell three times while thinking about resilience, survival, and preferably not dying.

4. Hope Tardiga isn’t feeling petty that day.

Side Effects:

• Possible unintended enclosure of classmates, furniture, and small mammals in an indestructible bubble.

• Minor hair singeing.

• Force field occasionally emits passive-aggressive remarks in Tardiga’s voice.

Tempus Tardigradus (TEM-pus Tar-dih-GRAH-dus)

Effect: A highly questionable time-travel spell that flings the caster and their extremely skeptical tardigrade companion into another era—hopefully the right one.

Required Actions:

1. Draw an unnecessarily complicated spell circle in the dirt (bonus points for aesthetic flair).

2. Place one indestructible tardigrade in an enchanted vial for stability.

3. Chant “Tempus Tardigradus” while holding your breath (for no reason, but tradition matters).

4. Let fate do the rest, and start praying if the air suddenly smells prehistoric.

Side Effects:

• Unexpected dinosaur encounters.

• Unwanted life lessons about the Cambrian food chain.

• Chronal hiccups that might deposit you in the wrong millennium.

• Tardiga will hold this against you forever.

Evolutio Tardigrada Mammalia (Ee-vo-LOO-tee-oh Tar-dih-GRAH-dah Mah-MAH-lee-ah)

Effect: Accelerates evolution so fast that Mother Nature herself files a complaint. Originally meant to simulate adaptation, it instead resulted in whales with major personality issues.

Required Actions:

1. Gather a group of underwhelming land mammals (preferably with judgmental energy).

2. Inscribe a spell circle that looks impressive but mostly just confuses onlookers.

3. Dip wand in glowing ink that may or may not be legally obtained.

4. Shout the incantation with unwavering confidence, as if that compensates for the lack of real planning.

Side Effects:

• Subjects may evolve hooves mid-flipper.

• Extreme snobbery among evolved creatures.

• Possible unintended land migration (see: The Whale Incident).

• Zog may be asked to “explain himself” by increasingly concerned faculty members.

Domicilius Aquatica (Doh-mih-SIL-ee-us Ah-KWAH-ti-kah)

Effect: Creates a magical dome filled with water, turning dry, inhospitable environments into makeshift oceans.

Required Actions:

1. Swipe (“borrow”) a dome spell from the restricted section.

2. Swipe or summon enchanted water crystals that multiply faster than bad rumors.

3. Murmur the incantation while making vague swirling gestures (more for show than necessity).

4. Enjoy your brand-new flood zone.

Side Effects:

• Overhydration of nearby landscapes.

• Unexpected formation of smug aquatic creatures.

• Zoltar’s blood pressure reaching dangerous new levels.

Levitatum Catastrophae (Leh-vee-TAH-tum Ka-TAS-troh-fay)

Effect: Intended to levitate objects gracefully; instead causes airborne catastrophes at an 80% failure rate.

Required Actions:

1. Wave wand in a reassuring circular motion.

2. Say the words calmly—DO NOT SHOUT unless you want to levitate yourself, nearby classmates, and/or unsuspecting house pets.

3. Regret everything.

Side Effects:

• Immediate loss of gravity, possibly in the entire room.

• Objects may enter unpredictable orbit.

• Zog might have to explain, once again, why a potion cauldron is stuck to the ceiling.

CHARMS

Spectaculus Trilobitae (Spek-tak-YOU-lus Tri-loh-BYE-tay)

Effect: A charm that infuses spectacles with trilobite eye essence, allowing the wearer to see invisible creatures, mischief-makers, and regrettable haircuts.

Required Actions:

1. Extract trilobite eye essence (with consent, if applicable).

2. Infuse into enchanted spectacles.

3. Say the incantation while wearing the glasses.

4. Reevaluate every life decision upon seeing what was actually lurking around the academy.

Side Effects:

• Unwanted awareness of just how many things are sneaking past you at any given time.

• The distinct horror of realizing the dust balls might be watching you, too.

Felinis Vigilantia (Feh-LEE-nis Vee-jil-AHN-tee-ah)

Effect: Assigns magical winged cats as elite sentries to guard one’s possessions, plants, or questionable life choices.

Required Actions:

1. Locate an already judgmental winged Devon Rex.

2. Offer terms of service, including an unending fish supply.

3. Cast the charm while making eye contact with the chosen feline (success rate increases if bribery is involved).

4. Step back and watch as your new bodyguards establish total feline law.

Side Effects:

• Guards may demand additional benefits, including premium nap locations.

• Mice will never return to the area.

• Cacti may now be protected by winged entities with zero tolerance for nonsense.

Charm of Tactical Procrastination: Procrastinatious (Pro-cras-tee-NAY-tus) Maximus

Effect: Creates an illusion that work is already done while buying a few extra hours to actually do it.

Required Actions:

1. Whisper the incantation while waving your wand lazily over a blank parchment.

2. The parchment will now appear completed—with realistic doodles of effort!

3. Use the extra time wisely, which means not using it for an impromptu nap.

Side Effects:

• Extremely convincing fake work that disappears right at the deadline.

• Professors who are deeply unimpressed by spell-based academic fraud.

• Extreme temptation to abuse the charm until consequences catch up.

Charm of Sudden, Overwhelming Cuteness: Adorabilis Infinitum

Effect: A minor charm that temporarily enhances a creature’s cuteness level, useful for evading trouble or persuading reluctant faculty members.

Required Actions:

1. Aim wand at the intended subject.

2. Chant the incantation in your sweetest, most innocent voice.

3. Watch as even the crankiest professor melts into submission.

Side Effects:

• DO NOT cast on Tardiga, unless you want the entire school to start cooing at him, which he will never forgive. Also, it might inadvertently change him into a cat (his worst nightmare).

• Effect wears off right before the actual consequences of whatever you were avoiding hit.

Final Disclaimer:

The Mars Magic Academy is not responsible for any intergalactic entanglements, evolutionary nightmares, or aquatic mishaps resulting from the misuse of these spells and charms. If your incantation backfires, if your spell results in an unexpected coup d’état, or if your cat unionizes—congratulations! You’re doing Zog-level magic.